By DAVID ROSSOW, Independent Correspondent
LOS GATOS, CA -- Terrorism has hit again within our own backyard. On Friday evening, August 11th, 2006, Odocoilean terrorists launched a second attack. Both attacks have been upon unsuspecting cyclists. The latest attack was against myself, author of this news release, while the first attack, one month ago, targeted cyclist Tim Gathercole. The group, Odocoileinae Virginianus, has claimed responsibility for both attacks, where the unfortunate victims were able to escape with only abrasive injuries and bruises. The attacks occurred in Los Gatos, CA along a stretch of Alma Bridge Road between Soda Springs and Aldercroft Heights, where the terrorists have a suspected hideout for their roadside assaults. Reports of a hidden training facility deep within the nearby Sierra Azul Open Space are unsubstantiated at this time.
Homeland Security has been notified of this terrorist activity; however there has been no official response from the Whitehouse regarding this second attack. George Bush, overheard on a microphone that was left on accidentally, has been quoted as saying, “I think these are the same terrorists that deployed high-tech mind control weaponry on Vice President Cheney and made him shoot his best friend in the face.” to which British Prime Minister Tony Blair was heard to respond, “No George, that was a bird.”
While it is widely accepted that these terrorists are home grown, it is not yet known whether they have any ties to foreign factions operating outside the U.S. Their method of attack, lurking in the cover of roadside shrubbery and leaping out in front of their victims, is similar to that of other terrorist organizations, leading many to suspect there may be a vast network of terrorists operating within our borders.
To date, there have been no public demands by Odocoileinae Virginianus, known commonly as “White-Tail Deer”. In a statement released after the first attack, a Whitehouse spokesman was quoted as saying “All attempts by this Administration to garner information from suspected terrorist detainee’s have failed. They simply will not talk, even though they have not been given the right to remain silent.”
At this time, the military has not been called into action, though an anonymous source with ties to the Pentagon has provided an email message from prominent Haliburton executes discussing a potential opportunity in the South Bay Area of Northern California.
Policy makers unanimously agree that we may never be able to rid ourselves of this terrorist threat. It is therefore advised that all cyclists exercise caution when traversing this patch of road that has already claimed at least two victims. A file photo of this group’s ringleader has been included with this story in the form of an external web link.